The family as system splits between scapegoat and narcissist with flying monkey backup. We mal-adapt to our environment and that becomes the mental illness we have to heal from. No matter how insane you got adapting to rot it’s water under the bridge: you were just a tot. The biggest mal-adaptation of the wife of the alcoholic is to get drunk herself, blamed to hell. Are you still masochistically attracted to men who are only into themselves, never reaching out? This comes from trauma, thinking you can change him if only you’re nice enough.