After the recent announcement that Haruki Murakami is starting an advice column to answer ‘questions of any kind’, we imagine it’s only a matter a time before several other authors follow suit. Here’s our top questions for them as they step out of the shadows, and into the burning fluorescent light that is the Internet.

Questions for Jonathan Franzen:

What are birds?

Questions for Cormac McCarthy:

How can I break in a horse?
How can I navigate the wasteland that is the AMERICAN DREAM?
How much should I pay for a horse?

Questions for Sheila Heiti:

Are you okay with ugly people now?

Questions for Paul Auster:

Who are you? Really?

Questions for Andy Griffiths:

Does Bunnings stock your tree-houses?
Do you also build dog houses?
Do you own a dog?
What’s your dog’s name?

Questions for John Green:

Do teenagers need to be kept warm in winter?
How do you keep teenagers warm in winter?
What is the optimal time to leave a marshmallow in a hot chocolate for a teenager?
What about an adult who reads young adult?

Questions for J.K. Rowling:

If Hermione was my tutor do you think I would’ve passed maths?

Questions for Tim Winton:

Is it true you grow all your own food?
How do you swim in rough seas while the small town you live in slowly suffocates you?

Questions for China Miéville:

How did your family react after the publication of your inspirational memoir, The City & The City?

Questions for Donna Tartt:

Can I have the number of your personal stylist?

Questions for Stephen King:

How do I kill the vampires living in my small mid-Western town?
How do I kill the rabid dog living in my small mid-Western town?
How do I kill the demon living in my small mid-Western town?

Questions for Margaret Atwood:

Where did you bury the treasure?
Is the treasure too big to fit in this large sack I own?

Questions for Anthony Horowitz:

Are you afraid that by writing new Sherlock Holmes novels, you will incite the wrath of Arthur Conan Doyle’s ghost?
Can you give me Benedict Cumberbatch’s number?
Is Benedict Cumberbatch Sherlock Holmes?

Questions for Peter Carey:

Would you be interested in providing an endorsement quote for my 150,000 word self-published dinosaur time-travel erotica novel set in a waterpark on Mars and featuring Michael Jackson?

Questions for Gillian Flynn:

Why are your female character so mean?
When will you write a female character that I actually like?
Can you explain why you write female characters in such an unusual way?
Are you worried that all your female characters are so unlikable?

Questions for George R.R. Martin:

How’s the next book coming along?