The other day I realized I was fat. All my friends meanwhile have stopped being cool (and fat) and have started exercising, and by exercising I mean talking about calories in public and watching obscene fitness DVD’s that require them to “BRING IT!” Whatever that means. All I can think about is Tom Cruise. I mean, all I can think about is that film Magnolia in which Tom Cruise plays a thinly veiled version of himself as a motivational speaker. Tom Cruise brings it, but does that mean I should?

I thought about joining a gym, but a gym costs $30 a week, which is roughly equivalent to my wage minus beer. Even if I could somehow afford the gym, how could I not afford to sponsor an African child? I’ve often wondered how those people who go to the gym live with themselves? If you can afford the Internet, the gym or a Hyundai Sinatra then you can afford to sponsor a child. It's a slippery slope once you start reading Peter Singer. Peter Singer wears plastic shoes, even in winter and is personally responsible for the entire population of three mental asylums. The shackles are not made in sweatshops. The only reading material is Peter Singer books.

The easy answer to all these questions is 3. The only slightly more difficult answer is to sponsor a Word instead, which is free, and is just what Readings St Kilda has done. We don’t wallow in guilt and lethargy down here, we wallow in Proactively, which is a type of yogurt.

As noted, we have solemnly promised to use this word, Venustation as frequently as possible in conversation and correspondence, even to the point of being annoying. Venustation is the act of making something become beautiful, a much underused word which sounds a little bit like something Metlink might have thought up as part of some P.R stunt, such as: Welcome to the Venustation: assisting customers at the point of need. In reality, Venustation comes to us via the Latin word venustas, which means loveliness or charm, though its root can be traced back to the Roman goddess Venus, who is associated with love, beauty, fertility and venereal disease.

As well as personally adopting a word HERE, you too can help to save Language Itself by reading such books as Ulysses, and reintroducing such words as “fellahean” into your everyday vocabulary. Fellahean as in: “Kingdoms of this world. The masters of the Mediterranean are fellaheen today.” Whatever that means. This is, in itself perhaps, a better type of worldly good, than the mere venustation of the infraspinatus muscles.