Readings.com.au: Vampire Satire

The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You

Are you in love with a vampire? Are you worried that you might not be his (blood) type? Do you wonder whether that cold stare means he isn't interested ... or if it's because he's been dead for three centuries (nothing personal)? Have you tried to coax him out of his crypt with a flash of your neck or a near-death situation that requires him to save you at the very last possible moment? Have you ever considered what it will be like to introduce him to your mother?

Even though your vampire's skin is transfixingly translucent, he can still be very hard to read. Sometimes he's simply holding back his true feelings, resisting the urge to bite you on the chance that one day you will truly love him. And other times ... well, he's just not that into you. How can you tell? Undead dating specialist Vlad Mezrich has all the answers, utilising quizzes, Top Ten lists, language analysis, real-life (and real-death) testimonials, and fancy charts to show you what you need to do in order to get your vampire and keep him forever.

How To Be A Vampire

Welcome to the world of the undead! A comprehensive guide to the vampire lifestyle quenches newcomers’ thirst for lore — and tasteful tips.

For those who join the decadent realm of the vampire, eternal life holds juicy perks — charm and strength, shape-shifting and flying, telepathy and super-powered senses. But then again, one becomes . . . so terribly hungry. Is there an etiquette for feeding without causing a scene? How do you set up your crypt? What supernatural foes will make your blood run co lder? In this elegant, edgy resource, the newly immortal will find everything they need to know, including:

a quiz to determine your true vampire persona
ways to turn into a vampire — or when a kiss is not just a kiss; and why you should take a look at your family tree
a transformation checklist, including canine teeth and UV sen sitivity
a makeup and fashion guide to looking damned good (or just damn ed)
knowing your weaknesses, from garlic, stakes, and sunlight to a n obsession with counting
10 signs that your boyfriend is a vampire, including super coo lness (body temperature-wise) and a habit of sleeping in
a field guide to vampiric variations around the world and throu gh history

The Reformed Vampire Support Group

Fifteen-year-old Nina has been a vampire since 1973, and she's hated every day of it. It has really cramped her style and social life - and it's boring. But as sickly and tedious as her life has become, it takes a turn for the worse when a member of her therapy group is killed by an unknown vampire slayer. Threatened with extinction, she and her fellow vampires try to hunt down the culprit - and soon find themselves caught up in a dangerous quest full of guns, thugs and victimised werewolves. Perhaps there's more to being a bona fide vampire after all... 'This book offers a clever and comical look at what is usually a spooky subject, and manages to deliver round after round of laughs.' - Niall, 16